The lifestyle and hard choices

Some recent lifestyle-related events (which I've shared in other posts) have led my husband to decide that he wants to be the dominant sexual and emotional force in my life. Where in the past, he has toyed with the idea of power exchange, enjoyed playing a passive role while I submitted to bulls, and even considered submitting to our bulls himself, he has now determined that he does not want to go in that direction. In fact, he says, he wants to reclaim his masculinity and resist any form of submission to me or our bulls going forward.

I can understand his decision. While we've both been turned on by power exchange in the past, eg me pegging him or watching him be ordered around by a bull, these experiences did change my view of him and his view of himself over time. If I'm fully honest with myself, it diminished my sexual attraction for him, even as it heightened my overall sexual arousal. He says it made him feel less masculine, less confident, and even led to some bi-curiosity which he was uncomfortable with.

After a lot of discussion, I've decided to support him in his decision and his attempt to reassert a dominant, masculine role for himself in our marriage. This is how he was when we met almost 10 years ago, and it was what attracted me to him initially, along with his open mindedness and adventurousness about sex. I love him and he is my chosen life partner, even if the dynamic between us has changed over time.

The past month has been a roller coaster of sexual and emotional experiences, and a test of our relationship. And here we are.

I support my husband. I do so, knowing this may be the end of our time in this lifestyle. I do it with some anxiety about the things I will miss, and some worry about my own ability to find complete satisfaction in this new chapter. But I am committed to my decision nonetheless.

I may check my online accounts like this one from time to time, but I will be much less active than in the past.

I would still encourage others to explore the lifestyle. For nearly a decade, it has been incredibly rewarding for both my husband and I, and neither of us wishes we'd had a "normal" relationship during that time. The lifestyle has exposed me to thrills and pleasures beyond anything I could have ever imagined. But it's also hard...it requires work, self control, and hard choices. This is one of those hard choices.

Thanks to all of you who chatted with me through this turbulent time.

Love always,

Em