How I learned I am a Sissy. (The whole truth!)

Well, let's see. Here's how I figured it all out.

I'm a guy in my 40s now, divorced a few years from a wonderful woman.

My wife demanded the divorce exactly 1 month after She uncovered my submissive sissy "grrl" side. For years I had kept hidden from Her, and everyone I know, the humiliating truth that I was basically living two lives. One normal looking and the other one more and more turned on by HER sexual exploits and even aroused by HER humiliating and degrading me due to my own sexual inadequacy.

Everything started so normally, though! My memories of c***dhood, of family and of friends are happy with just the usual flaws and imperfections. But all of my memories and feelings about MYSELF in situations of performance (school, work, social achievement) are painful and clear. Failure. I won't bore you with the details. Trust me, it's sufficient to say I AM a failure (objectively speaking). I also FELT like a failure (subjectively speaking).

Ever since I hit puberty and discovered masturbating and that kind of "release" of orgasm, I have liked it. A lot. Looking back I realize as things went bad, I went there. It's how I "escaped". When everything was going down - "escaping" into orgasm took me up.

I know people say men can separate love and sex in a way that women don't - but after I discovered orgasms, I raised it to an art form! My separation of how I emotionally felt in a love relationship vs. that specific physical "escape" was amazing to see. I mean I'm even convinced! *lol*

It started young with me. It was and fun for a guy with not a lot of friends to hang with. Masturbating just felt good and anyway that might have just been the normal start everybody has. I dunno.

What wasn't the same for me, I think, is that I didn't ever engage in the usual next steps in life. The things which usually pull you along into maturing and into developing into a man.

I never found more interest nor more energy and excitement than in my "escape". Sports didn't happen for me. I was competition averse, having learned long before that I fail, and sports would have just been one more way to not fit in. Most of my friendships failed to bloom and only the rare few ever deepened.

Nope, I wasn't going anywhere. The only thing that reliably gave a no strings attached high was that "escape" I got from orgasm. And while I was chasing that high I got even more distant from everyone else.

- When I learned it wasn't cool to play with myself I hid it!
- When I liked girls in high school I was a virgin, and my "escape" soothed my anxieties (which tend to mount up pretty quickly with the opposite sex!) *lol*
- When I went off to college and I was on my own - I really started "escaping"! A lot. These were real failures that really meant something at the college level!

Between Senior Year in high school and Freshman Year in college is when THE BIG ONE finally happened. My FIRST TIME. A girl took my virginity and I was absolutely in love with Her. Of course I was also SO attached to her that I smothered any chance and She dumped me! It was CRUSHING... yet I knew she was better off and I was actually happy for her!

***I had just discovered a STRANGE NEW FEELING! I think that this was the moment when it all crystallized for me. I really think this was the moment when I started to know I was different. Inside! Not a man somehow.***

I always preferred girls more than guys as friends growing up, they were kinder to me and I related to their more gentle ways better. I'm still more comfortable with female friends than my (few) guy buddies. What I thought I discovered then, was that I could merge my two interests, girls and orgasms!

But I wasn't a good boyfriend because I wasn't faithful at all. I wasn't mean (at least not intentionally). I was never chauvinistic nor a bragger. Hell, I didn't even consider telling anyone. I am far too much of a wimp for that kind of behavior!

It's just that I was constantly trying to make any female friends into friends with benefits - so I could get off and get my high. I really was sincere in liking my friends emotionally. I simply spun off the physical sex part as if it were unrelated. After all, it's OK to have more than one friend, right?

Then one day I met HER. The girl who would marry me. And I didn't even know it yet. But I knew by now that I couldn't treat people the way I'd been treating them. So I stopped (..not masturbating - I just stopped constantly trying to have sex with the people I cared about and respected and liked). I went back to "escaping" alone.

But like d**gs, in order for it to work I had to keep "upping the strength" to reach the high. By now I knew I was a chronic failure. Being unfaithful (even though the encounters had been strictly superficial and physical) almost ruined my marriage before it started. Later because of me She had an affair. Understandable now but it was DEVASTATING to me then!

That's when I learned: I was not only a consistent loser, but THE WORD WAS OUT! She knew it too.

I was INADEQUATE for Her. (OBJECTIVELY speaking!) She had gone to a BETTER MAN because I was. All I could be was not good enough for Her.

Eventually we worked it out in marriage counseling (I thought). But I never resolved it myself - inside. I was so eager to have Her happy again, and with me again! I was so eager to be with Her that as soon as HER ISSUES were resolved to HER satisfaction and She chose to come back, I shut down the whole issue in my mind. I RAN with the win. After all, She had come back to me which was my hope and dream. I figured anything else I had left to work on was only another thing She might possibly not like so I stuffed it.

I'D LEARNED MY PLACE.

My lesson was complete, confirmed by all the harsh slaps of failures in relationships and jobs, AND BY HER LOVE AFFAIR! My record of failure was inescapable. I really do fail where others don't. It's my one reliable trait. I understood then. I am inadequate. As a boyfriend, as a spouse, and as a MAN.

As the years went on it became clear that I was not bringing Her joy and She was getting sad. What I didn't know was that that was true of other people in my life, too. I had no idea why I didn't have many close friends. After all friends don't care how I do in my jobs. And friends don't know the private truth between just my wife and I - that I am inadequate.

But they did know.

My need to "escape" was never more strong. But I didn't want to fail Her or be unfaithful. Instead I went underground. I turned to masturbating in seedy places like adult book stores - at first strictly alone - but eventually in the company of usually old men seeking the same, no strings attached, quick release in the dark. All of us hiding from daylight and trying to avoid our shame.

Now I had to constantly fantasize because I needed the fantasies to "up the dose" enough to distract me from how bad my life was and to trigger an orgasm.

The really weird thing was that the reality of all this crept into my fantasies! My life had gradually moved from awkward with disappointing or embarrassing moments all the way down to the forbidden dark of sexual humiliation.

I was sure if anyone knew it all they could not like me. They couldn't possibly persevere in loving me. And of course, they could NEVER want me! Loving Her as hard as I could didn't make any difference either. It didn't change the reality of what I was to Her.

Honestly, I didn't even KNOW what a failure She thought I was until the counseling sessions, but I'm not stupid. I knew mostly all my life that I came up lacking by the simple presence of so much evidence.

The humiliation and the inadequacy were the last and maybe most potent elements to seep into my fantasy life and fuel my orgasms so I could escape. The conviction that I am inadequate pushed me to actually SEEKING humiliation in order to be able to get off and escape. I could only breathe for those brief moments of "escape" from my embarrassing reality - by triggering the escape WITH MY REAL HUMILIATION. I was degrading myself to cum and, in the process, REINFORCING and making real that which was humiliating.

My wife figured me out. She did what any sexy amazing woman would do. She attended to Her own needs. She quickly and easily found a man to satisfy Her like a man. My strong, beautiful, Wife took a lover, AND SHE KEPT HIM even after I confronted her months later about their affair!

They both completely emasculated me - but somehow this ended up changing me inside - and even though I can't explain it, I crave it.

A few years later, when She eventually dumped me, I didn't die. Far worse, I knew the truth... and now I live with it.

What is strangest of all to me - is that during all those years I FELT BETTER KNOWING I WAS HER CUCKOLD! I was actually, genuinely, happy when She put me in my place!

I loved FINALLY feeling like I could at least do one thing well in our relationship... I could make sure the sexy, virile, lucky lovers were satisfied and well served!

If you don't know what a cuckold is, it means that I knew my wife had sex with real men and I didn't say anything about it. I didn't DO anything about it, other than answer her lovers phone calls for her, take his messages, drive her to the concerts and events she attended with him, and please her in the only way I could. Not like a Man but like a Sissy.

-----

Oh, and here's a picture of exactly why I am so sexually inadequate. *lol*

(me - in "grrl-mode" and obviously useless as a man)